


the glass still has teeth

by moriphyte



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-13 11:30:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7975279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriphyte/pseuds/moriphyte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“i am not a child anymore all the mirrors stillhaven’t unnamed themselves oh i am sucha fast learner oh the glass still has teeth”<br/>—Lydia Havens<br/><br/>It's been three months since she ran away, there are scars from a broken mirror and bruises from the hands that haunt her skin like ghosts, and Lapis doesn't know if she's ever going to be okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the glass still has teeth

**Author's Note:**

> I'm having a shit day so I got drunk and wrote Lapidot

It's 11pm when you pull off the road into the nearly empty parking lot of a 24 hour motel  
The drive from the last rest stop, where you had gotten donuts and coffee to share, had been quiet. Or the driving kind of quiet anyway. Where the only sound is the road and the breath of the people around you and the sound of air coming through open windows as you speed down the empty highway.  
Beside you Steven is curled up asleep under a cookie cat blanket he's sharing with Peridot, who is asleep with her headphones on and the light from her still open video game flashing across her face.  
Even though her earphones are in you can still hear the sound of her game as a distant, indistinct noise. Pearl is always telling her she turns the volume up too high.  
Amethyst is asleep with the bags in the back of the van  
At your feet the bags that wouldn't fit in the back are stuffed between the seats and empty coffee cups liter the small spaces of open floor.  
Pearl sits in the drivers seat, her pale blue eyes bright behind the headlights as she pulls the van into a parking space at the far corner of the lot.  
Garnet sits beside her, looking out the window at the passing highway.  
Once you're parked she opens her door and steps out. On the drivers side Pearl does the same.  
She turns back to look at you, "Lapis would you like to come in or stay here?"  
"I'll stay here" you say  
She nods and the two of them walk into the front office leaving you alone in the van with three sleeping passengers.  
You sit in silence and watch Pearl and Garnets figures approach the front desk through the unevenly drawn blinds on the windows.  
You watch the two of them, Garnet's tall figure, her large hair, and Pearl, thin, short pointed hair  
They come out a few minutes later, Garnet spinning a motel room key on her finger  
When they get to the car Pearl leans in through the open window while Garnet goes around the back, "we only got one room so we will have to share beds"  
You nod and she leans over and shakes Peridot by the shoulder  
"Peridot, Peridot wake up" she says  
Peridot sits up, looking around with hazy green eyes  
"What? Where are we?" She demands, ripping off her headphones  
"We are at a motel to sleep for the night" Pearl explains  
She blinks, rubbing at her eyes with the heel of her small hand and stretching her arms above her head "oh"  
Pearl steps aside and Peridot unbuckles her seatbelt, jumping out of the van  
You climb out after her, carful to avoid waking Steven up, and start taking the bags from the floor of the van  
Pearl already has hers so you hand Peridot hers and take your own and Stevens  
Garnet, having finally gotten Amethyst up and out of the back of the van, steps up and lifts Steven into her arms  
You lock the van and walk to the room with your stuff

  
You cross the patchy dead grass in the middle of the motel buildings, passing the pool  
"Hey Lap you gonna go swimming?" Amethyst asks, grinning up at you and hitting her hip against yours   
You stumble to the side, laughing a little as you glance over at the pool   
"Yeah I think I'm gonna pass on swimming in chlorine piss, thanks"   
When you reach the room Garnet slips the key into the lock and kicks the door open   
"I call bed!" Amethyst yells, pushing passed you and into the room  
She drops her bag on the floor and launches herself onto the bed, "fuck yeah!"  
"Amethyst we have to share, and be quieter there are people in the rooms next to us"  
"Oh calm down P, people don't come to 'The Best Motel In The World' to get a good nights sleep, they come her to fu-"  
"Amethyst!"   
"Okay okay, geez" she says, putting her hands up and hopping off the bed   
"Thank you"   
"Well if you two are sharing I'll take the floor and Lapis, Peridot, you can share with Steven" Garnet says, setting a sleeping Steven on the other bed  
"Garnet you can't sleep on the floor this is a _motel_ " Pearl says, looking down at the stained carpet distastefully   
You don't pay attention to the rest of the conversation, choosing instead to set your bags over by the other bed and get changed   
Garnet shares with Amethyst and Pearl and you and Peridot climb into bed on either side of Steven, carful not to wake him up   
Everyone is asleep within half an hour except for you, you lay there in that bed under the stiff sheets listening to Steven and Peridot's steady breathing beside you 

  
You start to feel that familiar sickness in your stomach as you lay there staring at the dirty wall, holding yourself and squeezing your eyes shut. Your thoughts start to race and you sit up, carful not to wake up Steven or Peridot and slip out of bed.   
You slip outside and close the door carefully behind you, heading towards the pool  
You walk through the rusty gate and take a seat at the edge of the motel pool, sticking your bare feet into the cold water.  
You look out over the dimly lit water and the few lights still on in people's rooms. The grass in the pool area is patchy and dry and you watch a plastic bag from the convenience store down the street as it blows across the concrete sidewalks.  
It was a bad idea to sleep for most of the car ride so now you're terribly, painfully awake in a way that feels almost unreal.  
You sigh and look down at your feet, warped by the dimly lit water.  
Your legs are bruised and cut up but it's all faded from months on your own  
Months away from her  
Still the bruises on your wrists ache just like your whole body and you wonder if they're ever going to stop aching  
You look at your arms, thin and pale in the dim light, and covered in bruises and scars just like your legs  
Bruises and scars bruises and scars that's all you are anymore  
You sigh and pull one leg up against your chest, resting your chin on your knee  
You sit like that, moving your other foot in the cold water and watching the way it disturbs the surface of the pool  
"I knew you'd be here"  
You jump, your heart beating in your ears  
Peridot looks down at you, hands on her small hips  
"Fuck" you say, feeling yourself still shaking as you turn back to face the pool  
She takes a seat beside you, slipping her feet carefully into the water   
"Couldn't sleep?" she asks  
You nod  
"Are you feeling okay?"  
You nod again  
"Lapis" she says, using her best Pearl voice   
"No okay, I feel like shit is that what you wanna hear?" you ask, shooting her a glare   
She looks hurt, "no I just...want you to be okay"  
You sigh and turn back to face the water, "well thats not gonna happen"  
"You're the only one that thinks that" she says from beside you   
"Because it's true, I'm messed up too bad to ever be okay again, I may as well just accept that"  
"You're not too messed up, okay, you can do this, you are doing this, look at how much better you've gotten since-"  
"Since what, since I left Jasper? Since I stopped eating? Since I cut up my arms so bad you had to take me to the hospital?" you demand, feeling anger building in your chest, choking you  
She stiffens and bites her lip, looking down, "no..."   
"Then what?"  
"You stopped that...right?" she asks, looking up at you with those big green eyes and you feel your stomach twist. You're about to disappoint her...again  
You look down at your bare legs in shame and lift your shorts, revealing fresh cuts along the skin of your upper thighs  
"Lapis..."   
"Its not something I can just stop okay, it helps me, every time I think about eating, every time I think about her, I'm not trying to end up back in the hospital I'm just...trying to clear my mind" you say, letting the material of your shorts fall back down to cover the cuts   
She's silent for a heavy minute and you keep your eyes down, afraid to look at her then there's a hand on your shoulder and you jump, looking up to meet her eyes   
She's not her, she's not Jasper, she isn't going to hurt you. This is Peridot, the one who's helped you through all of this even when you didn't want help, even when you directed your anger at her.  
"It's okay Lapis" she says, trying to meet your eyes  
Finally you look up and meet hers, blue and green, like the colors of the chlorine water you still have your feet in   
"Thanks for not being mad" you say   
She smiles, giving your shoulder a squeeze, "of course I'm not mad, I just...I want you to try to be okay"  
You nod, "I will"  
"You ready to go back in?" she asks   
You bite your lip and look at the ground. Your stomach has settled down a lot but you still feel sick and terribly awake. Your eyes land on the pool  
"Wanna go swimming?" you ask, smiling up at her   
"Its like 1 in the morning, Lapis" she says   
"So?"  
"And we don't have bathing suits"  
"We'll swim in our clothes, come on" you say, taking her small hand in yours   
She bites her lip and stares at your entwined hands before looking back up at you with a small smile on her face  
"Fine, but I call first shower"   
You grin, "I'll race you"   
"You're on"   
You stand and pull her to her feet with you  
Once you're up y ou grab the bottom of your shirt and pull it up over your head of blue hair in one motion, throwing it to the concrete around the poolside  
You stand at the edge of the pool, curling your toes around the concrete edge and look back over your shoulder at where Peridot stands looking uncomfortable   
You grin, wink and jump  
The water surrounds you and everything  is suddenly soundless as you float in the cold chlorine water of that motel pool.   
When you surface you take air into your lungs and open your eyes.   
"Come on the waters great" you say, smiling at her as you float in the water   
Peridot still stands at the edge of the pool, holding onto the edge of her shirt and looking at the water. When she doesn't move you swim over to her and take the edge of the pool in your hands, looking up at her through wet hair that you push out of your face, "Peri come on"  
"Come ooooonnnnn" you say, flopping your arms over the side of the pool and reaching for her ankles   
"Peri Peri Perrrrriiiii" you say, reaching up to take her hands but you can't reach   
She rolls her big green eyes behind her glasses and smiles at you, leaning down so you can take her hands, "Lapis Lapis Lapiiiiisssss"  
You take her small hands in yours and smile up at her, "hey Peri"   
"Yeah?"  
"Come on"   
You pull her down with all your strength and she falls forward into the water with a squawk  
Under the water everything is silent, distant, and you open your eyes to see Peridot flailing around under water   
You smile and catch her hands, pulling her towards you as you both surface   
"Dammit Lapis!"   
You laugh and push your wet hair out of your eyes, swimming closer to Peridot who still has her eyes squeezed shut  behind her wet glasses which are slipping  down her little nose  
You put your hands on either side of her face and slip off her glasses, setting them on the edge of the pool  
"I hate you" she says after a pause, still not opening her eyes   
You laugh again and touch your lips to her nose, "hate you too"  
She opens her green eyes, squinting against the dim light, "I can't see anything"  
"You don't have to see to swim, come on" you say, taking her hand and pulling into the deep end of the pool  
Together you float on your back staring up at the stars, holding your hands 

  
When you slip back into the room, freezing cold and dripping wet you muffle giggles with your hands and hurry into the bathroom  
You take a nice hot shower, still in your clothes, and look at each other as the water falls down around you   
When you're dried off and in clean clothes with still wet hair you slip back into bed on either side of Steven and curl under the covers  
This time, with Peridot's hand in yours, you have no trouble falling asleep

 


End file.
